shawnabenda

breathe in without love.

2009-07-02T07:47:42Z

I don't think he can read this. I guess livejournal is my secret journal.

I can't say "I can't wait to fall in love." because I already am. with someone who doesn't feel the same. I'm his best friend. we have to keep it that way. plus, he has a girlfriend. I'm in a stupid situation. I hate it. I constantly defend him and his actions/words to everyone. its exhausting. I wish I could just man up and tell him everything. and ask him every question.

everything in the world gets shut out when we talk. I lose all track of time. nothing matters.

I hate it.

does 4:20am count, too??

2009-04-17T08:29:09Z

so, I don't know what the hell is going on. whether or not he was serious is beyond me.

but, how could he be serious? I just don't know. so I'm not looking into it. I'll just live my life and pretend like it wasn't asked or mentioned.

if he was serious, however.. would it be a mistake? would I be doing another one of my infamous stupid shawna decisions? aren't there steps two should take before doing something crazy like that? I just don't know.

I feel like a blubbering idiot. but it's actually a legit feeling of worry, or insanity. I haven't decided. it makes sense. then again, it would (or could) very well be the worst idea ever.

on another note, work is good. living situation is good. cats are good-ish. and I love jagerbombs. and patron.

she'll go home alone by choice.

2009-01-05T08:42:39Z

spilling your guts about how crazy you are for someone.. isn't a smart idea.

would it be good enough for me?

2008-12-25T23:22:02Z

christmas was good. my dad proposed to his girlfriend of 3 years. everyone was in tears. i sobbed like a child. im so happy for him. he deserves it. :) now.. im going to have sisters and another brother.

im the most im-fucking-patient person i know. jesus christ. this is torture.

mom said a comment about a certain ex today that made me feel good. haha. i love how evil she is.

onward to jenn's to rockband it up.

beep beep.

2008-12-18T16:52:54Z

i got my nose pierced. it rules. :) it's super cute on my teeny little nosey.
im sick, so blowing my nose is not an option.

aaaaaand then there is someone.

"so, i think thats a wonderful idea."

2008-12-15T21:29:04Z

double. date.

who knew these two words would make me crazy?
eeee!

45 minutes? nbd.

2008-12-13T17:28:11Z

im happy. whoa. weird.

i like this new found confidence. otherwise, i would have just came straight home last night. but because im awesome, i got to hang out with two amazing people.

oh gosh.

yeah, me.

2008-12-09T23:30:28Z

my best friend is coming, hopefully. i know i keep saying this, but no one knows how excited i am to see him. i could possibly love him more then anyone else i know. (besides jenn. doi.) and when he gets here, it's going to be slumber party 2k8. it'll be amazing. i love my wuggy.

my baby bro and i are getting a place together. pray. and jack is watching the tv and pawing at everything that moves.

how weird is it that as soon as someone mentioned that another person was going to be hanging out, i got nervous? this is too weird. not good, either.

i keep having weird baby dreams. wtf? yet again, i had twins. and they were beautiful. and that special daddy along with them.

perfect.

2008-12-07T21:48:07Z

Being made of stone will make you strong
But I've been alone for oh so long
Then there you were a silent mind
And beauty that I thought I'd never find

Something Strange is happening
And I don't know what to do
I haven't felt my heart beat in over 90 years
I love the way you look at me
When you're thinking no one else can see
I feel like someone different when you're near

So sleep now and hold me tight
Everything will be alright
Just lay down and rest your waery eyes
Calm down, you're safe with me
I love you more than you can see
You need your rest and so I wrote you this
Lullaby

Could someone who has a soul
Have such a hard time staying in control
Eternity can wait a while
I'll miss the way you blush when you smile

got money. and you know it. take it out your pockets and show it.

2008-12-05T02:05:08Z

i called james today. mistake. just the sound of his voice made me angry. and the images i concocted in my mind made me utterly disgusted. i can't get over that. i can't. i'll never be able to. he's just hurt me too bad.

with that said.

kitty cats go meow meow.

2008-11-28T20:59:57Z

jack has separation anxiety. how sad. i didn't think cats can get that, but apparently he has it. i've diagnosed him. maybe i can be like Dr. House, but for cats? that'd be sweeet.

for once, im NOT stressed out about money. and now that i know i'll be set for rent, my mind is telling me to shop. i must resist. i do need cat litter, but that can wait until about midnight. i don't want to deal with bitchy shoppers.

oh, fact: i hate white trash. just thought i would get that out in the open. 10% is NOT a good tip, assholes.

i love my cats.

time keeps on slippin.

2008-11-23T05:15:58Z

i feel mentally screwed.

i can't complete a thought to save my life. i know what i want, and i can't have it. some days i feel so positive about my life decisions and some days i feel like im going to buckle under all this pressure. i have to find a way to be set. i have to find a way to get out. i am running to escape my problems, but you know what? it's the only option i've got. being away from some things/people is going make life so much better. and being near some things/ person is going to make life magically wonderful. i want to leave so bad, but when i think about all that im leaving and giving up, it makes moving seem a little less glamorous.

i don't think my mind can handle any more break downs certain exs cause me. i feel like im losing all grip on reality. i feel so unstable.

some days i feel like i want to be an alcoholic. or a sex fiend.
liver disease?
or a baby? which is worse?

baby_gotback @ 2008-11-21T02:35:00

2008-11-21T07:35:46Z

two words:

edward.
cullen.

johnny craig, ilu.

2008-11-19T07:41:53Z

It feels so pointless
Is anyone there
Where is your faith
That keeps you moving
Who decides how far we go
Who walks behind us incase we
Trip over, the smallest crack

Am I Unworthy?
These things can only be said so many times
Before they become our fears

And I find myself swimming farther,
Than I ever planned to go
Out in this lost ocean, this lost ocean

Perfection will never over power us,
Perfection will never over power us,

Don't hide from the light
They can't burn bright forever

And I find myself swimming farther,
Than I ever planned to go
Out in this lost ocean, Ocean

I still feel hate reaching out to save me.
It's deep down oh but it's there.

my best friend is coming home. and he said he's going to surprise me with his arrival. i don't think anyone in the world could possibly be as excited and happy as i am.

blood stains.. on the carpet..

2008-11-18T05:41:39Z

there is only one thing in life that can turn me into complete mush. i have the biggest soft spot for military guys. (marines and army. Oorah. and Hooah.) and to see some videos of them acting silly in iraq to keep moral high... it's just amazing. after watching this video over.. and over.. and over.. and over again, just makes a person cry and makes a person think: How many of those men in these videos are still alive? heartbreaking.

by the way.. dude in video.. i will find you. and we will be in love.

i can feel it.

2008-11-17T01:07:10Z

where i want to be.

what i want on my left ring finger while im there. a ring with egyptian engravings.

recap.

2008-11-16T07:38:43Z

9am meetings are never a plus to any day.
neither is working a double and being so stressed out, i was mentally talking myself out of quitting.

good things, however.. are seeing old friends you haven't seen in years. drinking and taking shots with random people. being-jokingly-proposed to by a friend. wii tennis. jenn hedges. derrek sullivan, who could quite possibly have a little special derrek corner in my heart. losing my voice. and playing with a mixer with a drunk kid.

but nothing compares to a quick phone call to someone who lives so far away and still manages to give you the best advice you could receive and make a good night an even better one. aww.

baby_gotback @ 2008-11-13T13:50:00

2008-11-13T18:58:53Z

why can't i get over this cold?
jeeessuuusss.

btw, antiques roadshow is probably one of my favorite things to watch. deep down im 97 years old.

my nerves will be the death of me.

2008-11-08T05:00:57Z

this has got to be the longest week ever.
and i have nothing, absolutely nothing to show for it.

there were a few good days. but today.. today was just awful.
i don't understand why everyone who is close to him treat me so poorly. we had a mutual break up, people. and if you think back to recent events, im not the one who has messed up. im not the one who wasn't thinking. i haven't done anything wrong, yet everyone treats me as if it's my fault we're not together anymore. granted, i don't know what he's saying to people, but if anyone wants to know my side of the story, they should ask instead of giving me the cold shoulder. it's heartbreaking.

i think im getting a cold. perfect timing.

i apartment hunted today. im staying in orange park. christ, im never leaving, am i? thats depressing. at least where we might move is the same complex as my mom. and god knows i need her now more than ever. i love her more than anyone in the world.

i do, however have some things to look forward to. November 21st is coming soon. Steven said he might be visiting around thanksgiving. Rosalie makes me so happy. im so in love with her. christmas is soon. oh, and there is this one person.... <33

oh dear.

2008-10-03T05:08:58Z

im horrible at this crap. i would delete it, but then that means i couldn't be nosey and peek into peoples lives. oh well.

let's see. a few things.
i'll be 23 in nine days.
im trying to move to riverside.
im single (again.)
im losing all grip on reality.

however, i have made some lovely friends who keep me constantly happy.

as for being single, it sucks. i am looking forward to one thing, though.
a first date.
i want to go on a first date SO bad. one that just goes so perfectly smooth. where the two of you are just talking away and laughing at all the jokes. how amazing would that be.

no pouting.

baby_gotback @ 2008-06-16T06:39:00

2008-06-16T10:43:05Z

nothing has changed since the last post.

im STILL sitting on my awesome couch. this time i have a furry grey monster sitting on my chest. haha.
im still going to be 23 in october.
our one year was awesome.
lola still smells good.

and i still rule at life.
thats all anyone needs to know.

oh, besides the fact that i LOVE rachel and jenn.
and i miss certain individuals more then anything in the world.
i want to see everyone again.
sometimes i miss the summer of 2006. aka the summer i lived with rachel.
best times ever.

baby_gotback @ 2008-03-18T01:39:00

2008-03-18T05:43:22Z

why do i even have this anymore?

im sitting on my awesome couch and Lola is the cutest thing in the world curled up next to me.

i'll be 23 this year. in october, but it's still this year. insanity.

march 11th was our one year.

LOLA SMELLS GOOD!!!

baby_gotback @ 2007-12-11T18:40:00

2007-12-11T23:50:19Z

I LIVE.

however, i don't know for how long. seeing as how i am soon to be homeless AND i more then likely have cervical cancer. yippie!

i am losing weight but it's not going as fast as i want.
everyone around me is pregnant or just had a baby and i grow increasingly jealous at each moment. i have baby fever like a maniac and i'm afraid if i wait any longer to have a child, i won't be able to due to the fact.. that i may have cervical cancer.

apparently more women die of cervical cancer than ovarian cancer. so, my luck rules.

i've been dating my boyfriend for nine months today. time flies. he loves me and that is glorious.

i really miss people that i used to talk to often. and it makes me very sad. honestly, i have nothing good to say.
shitty.

baby_gotback @ 2007-09-10T00:29:00

2007-09-10T04:29:53Z

hmm.. i should bite my tongue more often.
i tend to say things i don't mean.
or maybe people just take things the wrong way?

which ever, things need to be corrected.

..

2007-08-31T18:24:36Z

today is dark and cloudy. perfect for napping.
im going to go home and curl up with lola and the new kitty.

we still haven't named her yet! help us with cute human names! hahah. we don't like stupid typical animal names like "tippy" or "spot" or "spike". we have Lola. and when we get a pomeranian we're naming him Chaz and when i get my yorkie she'll be Ariel. we need another GOOD girly name. help!

my boyfriend is laying on his bed like a school boy doing homework and is singing to deftones. adorable.